Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
