so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
