Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
