Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
