he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
