I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
