I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
