I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
