is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
