Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
