I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
