I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
