My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
