awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
