The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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