Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
