and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
