Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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