I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
