I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
