1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
