I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
