Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
