My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
