normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
