NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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