my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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