I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
