I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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