dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
