omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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