im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
