That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
