well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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