she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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