we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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