I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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