Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
