Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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