My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
