my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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