final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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