I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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