can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
