So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
