I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
