remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
