His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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