I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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