Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
