I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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