Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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