Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
