You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
