But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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